I can’t say the words I want to say
so they sit on my tongue and as they rot
and dance their dirty death dance around my
aching head
my mouth decays
and with it go the lips which kissed your eyelids
as you dreamt lightly in my bed
and with it the cheeks which blushed at
your every flattery and swelled with every
grin reflected perfectly on your face
and I just hope
I just hope
that when it’s all gone
and bare
and reeks of something putrid
that there won’t be anything left
to look into a mirror and remind me of myself
and that in apathy and bare judgement of
blinding white bone and cranial infrastructure
I can find some peace and quiet
Tag: Relationships
giver.
I gave not from my heart, for she had nothing left of note.
I gave only from my body, and in my sensible head I hoped.
I built you up from grains of sand, gave light that you were better man.
in dreaming, and in passing,
in mourning, and in loss,
I gave you up for something more,
yet now our paths no longer cross.
If mystics could have told me,
Whispered doom into my ears,
I cannot promise on our love
that we would still be here.
adulthood.
I wish I’d had the kind of childhood in which
finding out Santa wasn’t real and that my parents were the tooth fairy
were the biggest lies I ever heard,
& in which happily ever after never turned into
such a disaster
but simply faded into modernity & bland happiness.
I wish I’d never read a love story,
or seen my father through a glass wall with high ceilings
on the inside & the out.
I wish I’d never had cause to wonder if you smile the same at her
as you do at me,
and I wish that I could feel like I’ve ever deserved security.
I wish I’d done something, anything to deserve
the lies you’ve fed me.
I wish I’d never felt like the world’s worst mock-up,
a draft, unfinished,
drowning in the backwash of my own empty cup.
I wish I’d never, ever, ever,
never ever
grown up.
lightyears.
much like the stars we’ve dreamt of
and so fiercely loved beneath,
I fear that you will not see my light
until I am
long
past
gone.
that by the time you find yourself
searching for me,
there will be naught left to find
but dust and useless dreaming.
divergence.
in almost perfect stillness,
your sleeping breast rises and falls,
so slightly, so secretly.
those breaths you share
only with the sheets and me.
I wonder, as you sleep so sound,
and I lie restless in our bed,
what dreams are yours?
is it me that you see,
the lights in my eyes,
the sound of my breath?
or is it the bright of the city,
the call of something bigger?
I fear I am too small,
too insubstantial to know.
and so I wonder,
and so you sleep…
delicate.
you love me because I am “strong”,
but what if I am not?
what if I am weak and fragile,
in need of tender hands,
and precisely comforting words?
what if I am already falling apart,
struggling to remain upright,
desperate for an ounce of stability?
what if I am destined to fail,
regardless of eager “trying” and
countless tears of exhaustion?
will you love me, still,
even as I crumble in your hands
like yesterdays past,
or will you desert me?
will you leave me in dismay,
a broken pillar of strength,
a forgotten bastion of hope long past?
I have stood alone all this time,
and I want to believe you are better than most,
but this darkness has it’s hold and I am
no better, no stronger or sturdier
than the roses of winter.
iamwhatshewrote 